


this is what it's like to be lonely

by mind_boggling



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Falcon and the Winter Soldier (TV)
Genre: I apologise, M/M, Pain, This is very very sad, bucky talks about losing steve, i hope this is good? lol, just because we deserve to see the aftermath of bucky processing losing steve, my own interpretation of it, something marvel will probably never give us, therapy sessions
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-20
Updated: 2021-03-26
Packaged: 2021-03-29 01:06:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,841
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30148374
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mind_boggling/pseuds/mind_boggling
Summary: Bucky explores the five stages of grief with his therapist.Please don't read unless you are up to date with TFATWS. Each chapter will be based on an episode, so this is your spoiler warning.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Sam Wilson, James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Comments: 18
Kudos: 206





	1. stage one: denial

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“Do you think it’s because you miss him?” She asked, grounding him once again._
> 
> _Bucky nodded, feeling the lump grow in his throat. “He was always a constant. He was always there. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do now that that part of my life is empty.”_
> 
> _Taking a breath, she spoke. “It’s perfectly normal to be lost within grief–”_
> 
> _“This isn’t grief.” He snapped._
> 
> _Dr Raynor frowned. “Then what do you think it is?”_
> 
> _Bucky scoffed. “Aren’t you supposed to tell me that?”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a small piece about bucky talking about steve in his therapy.
> 
> no spoilers from tfatws (i don't think??) but obviously the therapy session is inspired from ep 1. in no way related to the therapy session in ep 1 and i hope it doesn't come across as disrespectful in any way??

“Good morning, James.”

He shifted uncomfortably in the seat. “It’s Bucky. Please.”

The therapist’s mouth formed into an unconvincing smile. “My apologies. May I ask why you prefer that over James?”

 _No, not really._ He sighed.

“James died in 1945.”

She gave one short nod. “I see.”

Bucky hated the colour of the walls in her office. They were drab and reminded him of his apartment in Bucharest which he tried to push from his mind at all times. It was one of those nightmares that never actually haunted him at night – he found it in everyday items. A mattress, the refrigerator. These walls. 

Dr Raynor's voice pulled him from his head. Something he was now thankful for. “How are you doing, Bucky? What have you been up to this week?” 

“Can we skip the formalities?” He replied, placing his hands together in his lap. “You already know all the answers.”

He thought he saw her stifle a laugh, but she just widened her eyes slightly instead. “Just doing my job. Which is why you called me, no?”

All Bucky could offer was silence. He didn’t really know why he’d called her. He’d been trying to bring himself to do it for days but chickened out every time. She always asked the same questions, always about things he never wanted to talk about, and the things he did want to talk about were nowhere near the surface. That, or he never knew how to bring them up.

“Is there something specific you want to talk about today, Bucky?” Dr Raynor asked, prodding at his attention again. Focusing away from the noise in his brain was still hard, even after Wakanda. 

He shifted again. “This was a waste of time. I’m sorry.”

“That’s your tell, did you know?” She replied, a small smirk playing on her lips. 

Bucky frowned. “My tell?”

“You shuffle around the couch a lot. I’ve noticed that it happens when there’s a question you don’t want to answer. Which,” She laughed, “Is a lot of the time.”

Bucky felt himself begin to shift again, but out of stubbornness, he stayed still. “That’s creepy, don’t you think?”

“It’s common.” She answered, a softer smile on her face this time. “Shall we try again?”

He kept his eyes on her own, trying to force his heart to stop pounding. Dr Raynor didn’t rush him, and he swallowed, taking a breath. Bucky eyed the glass of water she always gave him, and his throat ached for it. Instead, he forced himself to speak. “I had a dream the other night.”

Pen and notebook out, she began to write. He hated that. “Can you remember the last time you had a dream?”

Bucky shook his head firmly. “No. That’s why I can't stop thinking about it.”

She nodded. “What happened in the dream?”

The dream was personal. Bucky didn’t really want to share it, because it was something so full of hope that he wanted it all for himself. It was normalcy. He didn’t want to give it away but he had to. Maybe she’d know how he could keep dreaming after a century of nightmares. 

“Steve was there.” He choked, scratching the stubble at the bottom of his chin. 

“Does Steve ever feature in your nightmares?” She asked, not taking her eyes off the notebook.

“No.” Bucky answered, shaking his head. His thoughts jumbled, and there was a fog clouding over his mind. It panicked him. “Maybe. But only ever on the bridge. Only ever when I was… Him.”

It was the same nightmare every time. Steve recognising him on the bridge, Bucky not being able to tell him he recognised him, too. The screaming and thrashing that his own voice did inside of his head. Telling him to stop fighting Steve. To stop and remember. Eventually dying due to the inner combat. Losing Steve. Again.

Dr Raynor nodded. “I understand. Why do you think you dreamt about Steve?”

Again, Bucky was silent. There were a number of reasons he dreamt about Steve, but none that he wanted to share. He didn’t know how these things worked; he didn’t know what she would do with his feelings once they were out there on a piece of paper in her notebook. He was afraid of it. 

“Do you think it’s because you miss him?” She asked, grounding him once again.

Bucky nodded, feeling the lump grow in his throat. “He was always a constant. He was always there. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do now that that part of my life is empty.”

Taking a breath, she spoke. “It’s perfectly normal to be lost within grief–” 

“This isn’t grief.” He snapped.

Dr Raynor frowned. “Then what do you think it is?”

Bucky scoffed. “Aren’t you supposed to tell me that?”

“No.” She replied. “You are the one that talks to me, Bucky. I may ask questions, but only to find answers that come from inside of you. Therapy isn’t about fixing people and sending them back into the world cured, because nobody is ever cured. Trauma is unavoidable; it’s about how you manage it that constitutes the feeling of being fixed or cured.”

In all absurdity, Bucky snorted. “Philosophical.”

Dr Raynor smirked, shaking her head. “I’m glad someone sees the humour in it.”

Bucky took a long breath. “I guess I never really thought I was grieving. I’ve lost Steve so many times before, and each time he has come fighting back. I don’t know how to tell myself that this time, he isn’t coming back.” 

“Bucky, it’s only been a few months. In the aftermath of losing a friend, it is inevitable that you are going to experience this kind of denial.” She answered, placing her pen down and leaning forward in her chair. “You need to practise being kinder to yourself. You shouldn’t be so hard on yourself for feeling this way. You are a 106-year-old man who has had severe damage inflicted on his mind. You have to let it do some catching up. Even if that means thinking Steve is still here. It’s normal. It’s grief. Despite what the prosthetics say, you are human.” 

“Then why don’t I feel like one?” Bucky asked, feeling his lip tremble. 

“You may not feel like one right now, but you’re getting back to that place.” She answered, “Bucky, what have we been talking about this entire time?”

Bucky stopped himself briefly, feeling embarrassment creeping up on him. “Having a dream.”

Dr Raynor smiled. “That’s pretty human to me. And it’s something you should be proud of. You’re making progress. You’ve gone from constant nightmares, to being able to dream again.”

He didn’t believe her, but it was a nice sentiment. “If you say so.”

“What happened in the dream?” She asked, “If you don’t mind telling me about it.”

“We were kids.” Bucky answered, “Steve and I used to make pillow forts in the living room and kick my sisters out of them. They were just for us but eventually, we had to let Becca in.”

“Becca is your sister?” Dr Raynor asked.

Bucky nodded. “She died in 2022. While I was gone. Steve told me she was in a care facility. He used to visit her. Make sure she wasn’t lonely. Make sure she didn’t know what I was. Lucky for me, she couldn’t even remember that I’d “died” in the war. To her, I was still her big brother, Jimmy.”

A sad frown sat on Dr Raynor's face. “My condolences.” 

“In the dream, I wasn’t there, I wasn’t me.” Bucky furthered. “It was like I was watching from the outside. Like I was watching someone else’s memories.”

“Why do you think that was?” She asked.

Bucky shrugged. “It feels like they don’t belong to me anymore. I didn’t even think they were still there. Hydra took over my head so many times that it felt like there wasn’t room for anything else.” 

“But they are there. That’s important.” She replied. “You say your sister called you Jimmy?” 

He nodded. “I hated it.”

“But you remembered it.” Dr Raynor smiled. “What did Steve call you?”

He wanted to smile, but the tears threatened, instead. “Bucky.”

“Is that why you prefer it to James?” 

“It’s my name.” He answered harshly. “It has nothing to do with that.”

“Your name is James.” She responded. “You are Bucky because of Steve.”

“Am I?” He snapped. “Then why did he go?”

Dr Raynor never flinched, and Bucky’s panic didn’t even register that she might. 

“I think the analysis here, Doc, is that I don’t have a home anymore. That’s why I dreamt about home, that’s why I saw Becca and Steve, because they remind me of home. There’s nothing else to it, is there?” He shouted, leaning forward on the couch. “They’re both gone, and I have no-one, and like you said, my brain is catching up. It’s just cementing it for me now. I have _no-one_.”

There was a short silence before she spoke again. “Are you done?”

Bucky bit back a sob, his breath ragged and his heart pounding. He stared at Dr Raynor, wondering why she wasn’t running for her life, why she was still sat in front of the monster that he had become. He couldn’t remember the last time he got angry but with an ending in sight. Hydra kept him neutral all the time. He was neither happy or sad, emotional or emotionless. This anger burst out of him like an alien, but he managed to control it. It was unfamiliar.

“I–” He breathed, “I’m sorry.”

“I accept your apology.” She answered. “Why are you angry that you dreamt about Steve?”

“Because he’s gone.” Bucky answered, avoiding her eyes. “Because that’s the only place I will ever see him now, and I can’t even control it.”

“Do you resent Steve?” She asked.

Bucky frowned incredulously. “No.”

She cocked a brow. “Are you sure?” 

Bucky opened his mouth, helpless. Nothing came out. Did he resent Steve? Probably, but not with passion. Only in a way that ended in forgiveness. Steve would never know that now. He would never know that Bucky was angry but only because he was losing him. It would never last.

“I don’t know.” He answered eventually.

“It’s okay if you do.” She replied, “You lost the last person from your world. Of course you have a right to be angry with that. But it’s okay if you don’t, too. Steve was your home. The one constant, like you said. But there will be other things that provide that stability in your life.”

“I don’t want anything else.” Bucky answered, his tears finally spilling over his cheeks. He didn’t bother to wipe them away, only continue staring at the floor. “I don’t want anybody else. I don’t know how to function on my own, without him there to show me what to do.” 

“The thing is, you don’t have to.” She answered. “Because you still have the memories.” 

Bucky closed his eyes, trying to steady his breathing. Dr Raynor kept talking.

“Your dream was a breakthrough, Bucky. Steve is still here. He’s still in your mind, despite how much you think you lost it. It’s about persevering through the scarring and finding the foundations. And the Steve you knew will be there, waiting for you. He will always be alive inside your mind. It’s just about finding him.”

And with his eyes closed, he could see it. Bucky even managed to smile.


	2. stage two: anger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“You know him?” Bucky asked, finally looking at her. “John Walker.”_
> 
> _Dr Raynor grimaced as he minced the words on his tongue. “He’s an old friend.”_
> 
> _“Then you can tell him I don’t want his bail money.” Bucky snapped._
> 
> _“He was only trying to help, Bucky.” She answered._
> 
> _“I don’t need help. Especially not from him.” Bucky shouted, feeling his tears rising in his throat. He bit on his tongue to keep them at bay. “I don’t know why he keeps showing up wherever I go anyway, like some kind of hero.”_
> 
> _“He’s Captain America–”_
> 
> _“No, he’s not!” Bucky slammed his hand on the table, the metal reverberating loudly in the room. “That shield is not his just because they gave it to him. Just because he puts on a costume and parades around with it does not mean he is Captain America. Captain America doesn’t use guns. Captain America doesn’t kill.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter two of bucky at therapy: anger!
> 
> !! spoilers for episode two of tfatws !! 
> 
> this leads on directly from sam and bucky's conversation with dr raynor.
> 
> thank you for all the lovely comments on the first chapter. they mean the absolute world and i'm so glad you're enjoying this series so far. if you hadn't guessed already, there will be five chapters in this series, one for each stage of grief. they'll update every friday after the episode. 
> 
> hope you enjoy :)

“James?”

Bucky exhaled loudly. “It’s Bucky.”

Dr Raynor sighed. “Are you okay?”

He stayed silent. The room was cold and uninviting and it was making him feel itchy. Being arrested hadn’t even bothered him. It wasn’t exactly something he couldn’t handle. He’d handled worse. But sitting in the interrogation room only made him antsy. Part of him even wished Sam were still in the room with him. 

“You know him?” Bucky asked, finally looking at her. “John Walker.”

Dr Raynor grimaced as he minced the words on his tongue. “He’s an old friend.”

“Then you can tell him I don’t want his bail money.” Bucky snapped. 

“He was only trying to help, Bucky.” She answered.

“I don’t need help. Especially not from him.” Bucky shouted, feeling his tears rising in his throat. He bit on his tongue to keep them at bay. “I don’t know why he keeps showing up wherever I go anyway, like some kind of hero.”

“He’s Captain America–”

“No, he’s not!” Bucky slammed his hand on the table, the metal reverberating loudly in the room. “That shield is not his just because they gave it to him. Just because he puts on a costume and parades around with it does not mean he is Captain America. Captain America doesn’t use guns. Captain America doesn’t kill.”

Dr Raynor was silent as he sat back in his chair. He felt his hand shake, something that he never experienced with his metal arm. He buried it in his lap, avoiding her eyes as she stared at him. His tears threatened to spill over again, but he swallowed the lump in his throat.

“Bucky,” She coaxed. “Are you okay?”

“What do you even mean?” He asked. “I find out that the government gave away the shield like it was a prize to win, and then get micromanaged by a random guy they picked out of a hat. When I try to do something about it, Sam isn’t interested. I try to help him, which, _boy_ is a task because that asshole doesn’t want to be helped. And then I get arrested for missing therapy. By some police officers who tried to arrest Sam because we were arguing in the street. What part of that makes you think I’m okay?” 

Dr Raynor was silent in response. It satisfied Bucky to no extent. 

“I would much rather just go now if it’s all the same to you.” He said. “Sorry I missed our appointment. Won’t happen again.”

“What were you and Sam arguing about?” She asked.

“Nothing that concerns anyone other than Sam and me.” Bucky snapped. He leaned forward in the chair, placing his hands on the table in front of him. “That’s the issue here, Doc. Not me.”

“I’m sorry that happened, Bucky. I really am.” Dr Raynor said. “And I know you have places to be, but you missed your appointment. I can’t let you leave until it’s done.”

“Jesus.” Bucky sighed and groaned all at once. “Sam is waiting for me.”

Dr Raynor cocked her brows. “From what I just saw? I wouldn’t hold your breath.” 

He laughed. “That’s real nice. I thought you wanted me to make friends?”

“Do you want him to wait for you?” She asked. 

Bucky paused. He didn’t really know what he wanted. All he and Sam had done was argue, and after their conversation with Isaiah Bradley, he was sure that Sam would never want to talk to him ever again. But now Bucky had taken a taste of not being alone, he didn’t really want to go back. 

“No.” He lied. “He can do what he wants for all I care.”

Dr Raynor laughed. “Really? That’s the angle you’re going for?”

Bucky frowned. “Why do you just make fun of me?”

She shook her head. “I’m not making fun of you, Bucky. I’m just telling you how stupid it sounds when you lie.”

He stared at the table. Her notebook lay closed on the other side of the table and he counted all of the folded over edges that stuck out. It irritated him when she was right, which was most of the time. Her words kept ringing in his head. _I may ask questions, but only to find answers that come from inside of you._

“Did you mean what you said to Sam about the shield?” She asked. 

Looking up quickly, he frowned. “What?”

“Do you really think Steve got it wrong? That he shouldn’t have trusted Sam with the shield?” 

Hearing it from her, it sounded incredulous. He knew that, and it hit him for the first time that he actually was angry. Of course Steve hadn’t got it wrong. The only person that shield belonged to now was Sam. In the realization, Bucky hoped that he had waited for him. 

“No,” He answered. “Of course not.”

Dr Raynor opened her notebook. He sighed. “So why did you say it?” 

“Because I was angry.” He replied. “Is that what you want to hear?”

“Yes.” She laughed. “But you can’t leave.”

Bucky groaned loudly, rubbing his eyes. “Why not?”

She leaned forward. “Because it would be irresponsible of me as a licensed therapist to let you leave when you are not okay.”

Her words hit him like a truck. He was so used to nobody caring about how he was and just tossing him back out into the world that he almost couldn’t compute it. It didn’t make any sense. The only person who cared about him was Steve. And he was gone. 

“Despite what you may think, Bucky, I am not working against you. I’m not an enemy. Just because the court ordered you to meet with me, it doesn’t mean that I don’t care.” She answered softly. “Now, talk to me. Because I just want to help.”

After an agonizing silence, Bucky cleared his throat of tears. “All I can think about is if Steve was wrong about me.”

Dr Raynor frowned. “What would he be wrong about?”

“I don’t know,” Bucky answered, “Believing there was still good in me.”

“It’s not about anyone but yourself believing there is still good in you, Bucky.” She replied. “If you don’t believe that about yourself, it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks.”

“So I’m my own villain?” Bucky snapped. “I’m the only one who can change the narrative? Hydra are the ones who wrote the goddamn narrative, don’t you think they should be responsible for changing it back?”

She nodded. “I do. And it’s not fair that they will never pay for what they did to you. That’s why we have your list of amends.” 

Bucky shook his head, thinking about Yori. “I don’t want to do that anymore.”

“Why not?” She asked.

“Because it’s too painful.” He answered. “There are people that I have hurt as the Winter Soldier that I don’t want to hurt as Bucky Barnes. Just saying “you’re part of my efforts to make amends” doesn’t do shit. It’s a slap in the face. If I have to rewrite my own narrative then shouldn’t I be doing it in a way that I want and a way that is actually going to work?”

“And what way would that be?” Dr Raynor asked. “Self-inflicted suffering and torture? If you really want to separate yourself from what Hydra did to you, then you have to realise that you are James Barnes, not the Winter Soldier. Actively choosing the same methods of violence against yourself to try and compensate for the guilt you have is not moving forward at all.”

“But it’s all I know.” Bucky whispered. “All I know is suffering. And pain. And pushing my guilt down by enduring even more of it. All of that stuff I did has only ever been met with more destruction. I don’t know how to teach myself anything else.”

“Which is why you need to stop and take a breath.” She stated, taking a breath herself. “You can’t rewrite your narrative with a head full of jumbled beliefs, Bucky. First, you have to understand who you are now, in the present. Who do you want to be now that you’re free? What practices do you want to adopt now that you have the freedom to do so? It is so important. And if you really believe that Steve was wrong about you, then you’re not going to get anywhere.” 

Bucky nodded slightly. “Do you think Steve was wrong about me?”

Dr Raynor shook her head. “Do you think I’d be here if I did?”

Bucky shrugged. “It’s all just a paycheck at the end of the day.”

She tutted loudly. “Bucky, do you really think Steve would’ve done all that he did if he didn’t believe in you?” 

Bucky’s stomach turned as he remembered Steve’s words on their flight to Siberia. 

_What you did all those years… it wasn't you. You didn't have a choice._

“No.” He answered, swallowing the bile in his throat. “But how am I supposed to keep convincing myself of that when he’s not here to tell me?”

“Practise.” She smiled. “With help and support from friends and allies.”

“I’m not befriending that Star Spangled Wannabe.” Bucky snapped.

Dr Raynor frowned. “John is a good man–”

“And you know what he said on TV? That Steve felt like a brother to him.” Bucky yelled, feeling his hand start to shake once again. “Do you understand how much that stung?”

She opened her mouth to speak but Bucky only carried on.

“He never knew Steve on a personal level. He knew Captain America. He’s using Steve’s legacy as a publicity stunt and it’s everything that Steve was against.” He spoke.

“He isn’t trying to take your place, Bucky.” She stated. “Nobody tries to undermine the bond that you had with Steve on purpose.”

“I never said that he was,” Bucky replied angrily. “The only place he’s trying to take is Steve’s, and it’s wrong. Steve only wanted one person to ever take his place.” 

Frowning, Dr Raynor leaned forward in her chair. “Why has that comment upset you so much?”

“Because,” Bucky choked, shutting his eyes tightly. The tears could not surface. They couldn’t. “He was my family. The only family I had left. And nobody cares that I knew him.”

“That’s not true, Bucky.” Dr Raynor answered. “Have you ever even been into the Smithsonian?”

Bucky sniffed. “I hate that place.”

He remembered his one and only visit too well when all he wanted was to forget it. It swirled around his mind when he couldn’t sleep, the notebooks and the things he tried so hard to make himself remember in Bucharest. He didn’t want to be reminded of that time again.

“If you want my opinion–”

Bucky frowned. “Definitely not.”

She rolled her eyes. “–they thought they were doing what was right. The world is lost without Steve. They just wanted to make it right again. And if you think they did it to spite you, then I think you’re wrong. I think they have seen how much you have been through and simply wanted to leave you to rest. Don’t you think you deserve that?”

“No offense, Doc, but why should I care about the world being lost without Steve? The world has never done anything good for me, has it?” He asked, tears finally welling in his eyes. 

Her face faltered. “Bucky–”

Bucky just sighed. “The only person that is truly _lost_ without Steve is me. And they don’t care. It’s as simple as that.”

**Author's Note:**

> wow can you believe tfatws really got me writing fic again? i love mr james buchanan barnes i really do
> 
> hey there, thanks so much for reading! 
> 
> if you enjoyed my work, you can support my writing or buy my poetry collections 'serendipity' and 'eden' [here](https://linktr.ee/livch)!
> 
> any support is appreciated! 
> 
> liv xo


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